Reconciliation through Apology

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Often times in therapy the central topic of a session is processing when someone has done something ‘wrong.’  From my perspective as a therapist, the simplest type of ‘wrong’ is when the offending or ‘wrong’ party feels a sense of guilt, admits fault, and wants reconciliation.  (Other times a session is centered around a disagreement of if the client’s action(s) or words are in fact ‘wrong,’ but the work of this type of session is entirely different than the focus of this article.) 

For those of us who live in the Bible Belt, doing something ‘wrong’ and the resulting guilt is a common and recognizable occurrence, often because we were taught such concepts from an early age in church or by our family who attended church.  The concept of sin and separation from God, and thus the human concept of Biblical guilt, starts right at the beginning of the Bible with Eve taking the apple and Adam taking a bite.  Sin is so ubiquitous to the human condition of the Old Testament that God creates a guilt offering for His people to atone with.  Today, guilt offerings aren’t readily available, so in their place most people attempt reconciliation through an apology.

A well constructed apology is an antidote for the feeling of guilt.  Since guilt is an appropriate feeling in response to having done something ‘wrong,’ when the feeling shows up in a session I will often ask the client if they apologized.  The first time I either see or hear a client apologize, it is often a train wreck.  The standard apology often goes something like, “I am sorry if you feel hurt (or sad).”  Seven words, a sentence, that basically says nothing while including the word ‘sorry.’

So if you believe an apology is an antidote to guilt, and a way to begin the process of righting what might have been harmed in your relationship, let’s set the record straight on what makes a clear, effective, meaningful apology.

Of first importance, be specific for what you are sorry for.  Second, a meaningful apology is almost never conditional.  A helpful hint, keep the other person (i.e. excuses and explanations) out of the apology.  And last, a good apology almost always ends with an honest question: will you forgive me?

Let’s hit up a couple examples.

Example 1: John and Jane are coming to therapy to work on communication issues in their marriage.  To start the second session, John is 25 minutes late and didn’t communicate anything about his tardiness to Jane leading up to or during his late arrival.  As they walk into my office, Jane clearly is having feelings, so Joe begins the session with, “Sorry if you are frustrated I’m late.”  The problem with John’s apology is twofold.  First, John isn’t specific, so it is difficult to even decipher what John is apologizing for.  Second, John’s sorry is conditional on Jane’s frustration, so the apology sounds to be centered around Jane and how she is feeling rather than John and what he has done.  Not to mention, with a nonspecific, conditional apology like John’s, he isn’t really asking for forgiveness.  You, like Jane and I, might be wondering what John is sorry for or if he is sorry at all.

Let’s assume John is sorry, and specifically he is sorry for communicating poorly about his late arrival.  A thoughtful apology from John might sound like, “Jane, in my rush to get here, I did a really poor job of communicating I was going to be late.  Will you forgive me?”

Example 2: John and Jane are committed to therapy as they begin to see improvements in their communication.  However, the content of their tenth session is centered around Jane having told John’s mom about him getting a speeding ticket.  John has been doing a lot of work in therapy on his relationship with his mother, and part of this work is setting healthy boundaries.  John is upset because he wasn’t sure he wanted his mom to know about the ticket, and if he did, he wanted to be the one to tell her.  Because Jane told John’s mom instead, John’s mom has been persistently calling and asking John what else he is lying about.  Even in retelling the recent events, John is still clearly upset.  Jane responds by saying, “I’m sorry John.  It’s just the way your mom is, always asking questions.  I didn’t know you hadn’t told your mom about the ticket.”  The problem with Jane’s apology is threefold.  Similar to John’s apology (and what I would argue is the most common apology error), it lacks specificity for what Jane is apologizing for.  While Jane telling John’s mom is implicit in the apology, I would encourage Jane to clearly and explicitly state what she is sorry for.  Second, Jane’s apology centers around explanations for her actions.  I might suggest to Jane that if she is still trying to explain or justify her actions, maybe she simply isn’t ready to apologize.  And third, similar to John’s apology, Jane loses focus and doesn’t ask John for forgiveness.

Again, let’s assume Jane is sorry, and specifically she is sorry about telling John’s mother about his speeding ticket.  A thoughtful apology from Jane might sound like, “John, I’m really sorry I told your mom about the speeding ticket.  My intention wasn’t to tell your mom something you didn’t want her to know, and I will do my best not to share information about you with your mom in the future.  Will you forgive me?”

In both my personal experience, and as a therapist, a specific apology that centers on the words and actions that created the guilty feeling is a great start on the road toward reconciliation and forgiveness.